Monday 24
I am having a very difficult time not thinking about you. This past weekend was quite difficult, as both Saturday morning and Saturday evening it was raining, and I was in bed, and all I could think about was being in bed with you at Timberledge, listening to the sound that only occurs at that type of moment. I spent quite a long time, in a dreamy slight consciousness, thinking of only that. I am not quite sure what to make of this idea of only thinking about you. What does it mean? Am I just still lusting after you? Is it, plain and simple, a “true” love that will never be? What on earth am I supposed to do about it. I know that you have (and so do I, to a lesser degree) a way of compartmentalizing thoughts, and who knows, maybe you don’t think this way. But I would be willing to bet that you do.

Was it all a dream? As enough time passes it all becomes a vague memory, and under the circumstances of not being allowed to communicate, it just fades away?

Tues 25.
This is getting to be hard. It won’t stop. It seems to be getting worse, not better, not hearing from you. I am getting to that desperate stage, where I call you or something stupid. We have MC this afternoon, and, like last time, she is going to misinterpret my emotion for you as emotion for something else. Is this going to stop at some time?
And all I keep going over in my brain is the time we were together. This morning, all morning, it was Ouise’s (oh, and how I sometimes despise you for that day. You led me into bed. You made suggestions. We made mistakes).
I need a serious distraction from you. Another lover?
And, another week and a half before I find out if we are to see each other. Will you call? email? Nothing? If nothing, what does it mean? You are happy? You know we cannot see each other because we are still in love and any contact will be more stress? You know it is for the best that we don’t see each other? Or will you decide that we need to at least see each other one more, last time? What will the answer be? Regardless, I’ll be at the airport, looking for you.

PS. After reading through many, many emails, what were you thinking? How, after all that time, did you come to justifying what you did, with the knowledge aforehand that "You love G. with all your heart and want to spend the rest of your life with him." If that was truly the case, you never would have done what you did. So, does this mean a psychosis? Or is it that we both just needed a little excitement in our life/lives? I mean, WTF?